


oceans pouring out of you

by hicsvntdracones



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Pianist, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Choices, Death, Established Relationship, M/M, Moniwa-centric, Red String of Fate, shrugging noises
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-10
Updated: 2016-03-10
Packaged: 2018-05-25 21:44:55
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6211273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hicsvntdracones/pseuds/hicsvntdracones
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"He's not just any pianist, he's sort of the pianist of our age: Kaname-san. He's well known among the top piano players in Japan." </p><p>"I see." Ushijima says quietly as he thinks of Moniwa setting the volleyball to him weeks ago. I used to play, he said with such a wistful smile. </p><p>"Nobody knew what happened to him after he quit Toho Gakuen, this prestigious conservatory in Tokyo. Some people say he had a nervous breakdown and snapped …"</p><p>[canon divergence where Moniwa was a piano prodigy and quit abruptly before high school. now that volleyball is done, Ushijima tries to convince him to pursue his love of piano at uni.]</p>
            </blockquote>





	oceans pouring out of you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [princessmiakitten](https://archiveofourown.org/users/princessmiakitten/gifts).



> “let the word in and sooner or later people will see the oceans pouring out of you. you’ll walk down the street and someone will mistake you for the sky. you are beautiful because you let yourself feel, and that is a brave thing indeed.” - shinji moon.
> 
> jajajajajaaa. okay. so here's my rarepair exchange gift to a fellow ushi/moni fucker named [mia](http://archiveofourown.org/users/princessmiakitten). she, poor soul, asked for college au and something about stars and being together in this big world so it somehow came to be a fic about moniwa trying to find his path in life and having ushijima encouraging him along the way. note: the U19 volleyball worlds tournament ushi plays in is the 2015 argentina tournament, btw. also, ushi has a sister, and moniwa has a few siblings too. there are pov changes between the two mains, but i tried to make it quite obvious.
> 
> i hope you'll enjoy this 10.6k of ushi/moni. i took the pair and prompts and just kinda ran with it, and "oceans pouring out of you" is what was produced! content warning: there is fluff and smut and angst all wrapped up in one. alright. well, then. ... read on, macduff! read on ...

 

 

 

"I'll be fine." He had said, so weakly that night as Ushijima held him. The TV murmured soft words in the background, and as he looked down at his boyfriend's face, Ushijima saw only bleak, quiet acceptance. 

 

"They say Moniwa is retiring." They try not to stare at Ushijima as Reon speaks, but they all see the way his composure slips, the way his lips twitch into a scowl and his brows furrow in disbelief. 

"That can't be." He says plainly. Moniwa would have told him. He would have said so beforehand. Ushijima remembers the way Moniwa cried that night, weeping as soon as he started to tell a story about Futakuchi and Kamasaki's most recent antics. Ushijima remembers throwing on a jacket and catching the last train to Moniwa's neighborhood, arriving breathless to his boyfriend sitting on his front steps, hugging his knees to his chest, eyes bleary and red.   

"I'll be fine." He had said. 

 

He finds him wearing a plain white t-shirt emblazoned with the Dateko name, not the jersey bearing the number two with the captain's symbol underneath. He finds him weary and quiet and defeated. He finds him alone. 

He had heard the results. 0-2, with the victory going to Karasuno instead. 

"Kaname—" He starts, but quickly falls silent as soon as Moniwa looks up at him. There is a beat of silence, and then Moniwa looks down again. 

"Is it true?" 

The hallway is quiet around them. 

"Are you quitting the team?" 

"… We lost. I'm retiring." 

Ushijima tries to step closer, but Moniwa visibly shrinks in on himself. It makes Ushijima's chest hurt, makes him want to hold Moniwa even more to assure him everything will be okay. 

"There's still the Spring High tournament, you can still—" 

"I can what, Wakatoshi?" Moniwa's voice becomes sharp, it grows cold and harsh in an instant. Like the edges of broken glass. It is a sound Ushijima is not used to. "I said I'm retiring. That's that. Just … leave it be." 

"Why? Why would you give up when there's still a chance—?" He reaches for Moniwa on instinct, but Moniwa tugs his arm out of Ushijima's grip and turns his face away. 

"Maybe because I'm not you, okay? Volleyball … it's … it's just a club for us who aren't … well, you." Moniwa gestures dismissively at Ushijima. "Even in Shiratorizawa, even in your own team, you're probably the only one who cares so much about this sport." 

 

"Wakatoshi?" Reon says quietly, hand hovering over Ushijima's shoulder. They watch Moniwa disappear along the long hallway, his footsteps quiet and hurtful echoes around them. Gritting his teeth, Ushijima turns away. 

 

"Ushijima! Are you trying to let them win? Why aren't you hitting at full power?" Washijo's voice is muddled in Ushijima's ears. He barely hears his coach's words or the words of his teammates. His spikes are too rough, they fall off-course. Three of them go out of bounds by a large margin. Shirabu snaps, biting his words out as he wipes his forehead with the back of his hand. 

"Damn him, throwing Ushijima-senpai off rhythm just before semi-finals." 

Yamagata returns the next serve perfectly to Shirabu's position, and as Shirabu sets to Ushijima, Ushijima doesn't move. The team freezes, and Ushijima stares hard at Shirabu as the ball falls on their side of the net. Washijo almost explodes, but no one else speaks. 

Shirabu turns his head, and with a muted apology, understands the message Ushijima was trying to convey. They take the set within the next six plays. 

 

 

 

Hiromi is silent the entire car ride home. He normally rambles on and on about the various plays that the Dateko boys performed, but he sees the tears drip down his brother's face as he stares out the window in silence. Kaede doesn't speak either, knowing her brother well enough not to pry. He grips his jacket tightly, knuckles paling as he chokes back another wretched sob. 

 

"Hiro, go see if Kaname is coming down for dinner." Moniwa hears their mother from the kitchen. He sinks his head onto his folded arms and watches his cell phone, waiting and waiting and waiting for any new messages. A part of him knows he should speak first, apologize for his harsh words and the way he rejected all of Ushijima's efforts. He was just trying to comfort Moniwa, to console him. They had not had much time together before Interhigh. Both teams had been working their hardest to prepare, and only once did they see each other in the month preceding. 

"I'll be fine." He had said, but Ushijima knew better. They had been together for just under a year. Eleven months, depending on who you asked and what they counted as their first date. Ushijima knew better. He knew the way Moniwa's voice cracked, the way his shoulders undoubtedly sagged and the way his eyes welled up with tears after stressor upon stressor had built up upon his shoulders.  

He knew the way Moniwa broke, and he knew just how to piece him back together. Only, Moniwa didn't think he could be pieced back together. Not all the way. Not when Ushijima didn't even know Moniwa entirely. 

Hiromi knocks twice, more timid than usual, and pokes his head in. 

"Onii-chan … do you wanna eat dinner with us or should I bring something up?" Moniwa turns to look at his brother's expression. He would be applying to high schools soon. He claimed he wanted to go to Dateko, like Moniwa had. He even wanted to play volleyball and, continuing on from being a blocker in middle school, maybe join the infamous Iron Wall. Moniwa smiles faintly and pockets his cell phone as he follows his brother back downstairs. He has no appetite to eat, but he will pretend. He always pretends. 

 

Moniwa picks at his half-eaten salmon idly as his mother and sister debate the merits of his attending Tohoku or not. Knowing that Moniwa has said Tohoku is his top choice, Kaede argues for Tohoku, but their mother argues for other schools. Better schools, schools in Tokyo even. She asks Moniwa what Tohoku will offer him. He picks at his salmon again, apathetic. 

"Their program for civil engineering is pretty good, I guess." 

"Do you really want to do engineering?" 

"I guess, yeah." He says, knowing his mother's question before she even speaks it. Hiromi knowingly fidgets to the left of him, stirring his rice with an uncomfortable expression. 

"Kaname, you know you could still apply to Toho? Or Geidai? You haven't lost your talent—" 

He sets down his chopsticks quietly as his stomach churns unpleasantly. The taste of fish fouls in his mouth. He asks to be excused from the table. 

His mother begins to protest. 

"Please." Lowering his head, he finally hears her cave to his request, and he leaves without speaking another word. 

 

> > did he know? 
> 
> < No, it was only me, you, Yash, and coach. 
> 
> > you've been together for a year, he probably expected some warning, yknow :/ 
> 
> > probably feels kinda blindsided 
> 
> < I just wish he would call or text or anything.  
> 
> < Yknow. 
> 
> > yea, but don't you think you should make the first move? 

 

Moniwa stares at the glowing screen for a long moment before burying his head further under his pillow, struggling against the urge to sob once more.  

 

The anxiety pooling in the bottom of his stomach bubbles through his entire being as the front gates of Shiratorizawa come into view. He has visited the school many times before, but never on such unpleasant terms. He remembers the first time Dateko was invited for a practice match, shortly after he and Ushijima became third years and were captains of their respective teams. They had managed to keep their relationship quiet for a while, but even the coaches noticed their over-friendliness at the practice match, how their eyes wouldn't drift from one another during the game. Ushijima smiled everytime Moniwa managed to outsmart their team, and Moniwa grinned at each solid, unreceivable spike. Oiwake and Washijo both had a field day chewing them out. In front of their teammates too. Every Shiratorizawa third year — even noble Reon — had a hard time hiding their smiles as Ushijima's face bloomed red with embarrassment. Likewise, Kamasaki and Sasaya were caught rolling their eyes as Moniwa fidgeted under Oiwake's intense gaze. 

He remembers the second practice match, after the metaphorical cat was out of the bag. A mixed team event, where Shirabu set for Futakuchi and Tendou while Moniwa set for Ushijima and Aone. The nerves in his stomach settle for a moment as he chuckles at the memory of Futakuchi's horrified face as Ushijima and Aone completely blocked a perfect spike.  

"Moniwa-san." He turns to see the other setter standing there, hands gripping his duffel bag as a scowl crosses his face. Shirabu had never liked him, Moniwa knew. It was not only because he was another setter, but because he took almost all of Ushijima's attention. The second-year idolized Ushijima, even fought to attend Shiratorizawa to be his setter. Moniwa tries to smile and say hello. 

"Why are you here?" He asks crudely, always so crudely. "You cause Ushijima-senpai all this distress, and now— what? Are you coming crawling back?" 

"Ah—" Moniwa swallows the horrible ball of guilt welled up in his throat. His heart hammers in pitiful shame. The words he said after Interhigh come rushing back as well as the torn look on his boyfriend's face. 

"You don't give a shit about his well being, his happiness, do you? All you care about is yourself—" 

"Shirabu, that's enough."  

Moniwa thought once that in a crowded room, he would hear only Ushijima. He thinks that still. 

Ushijima approaches quietly, too quietly with Tendou and Yamagata by his side. Tendou gives a silent nod of acknowledgement to Moniwa, and Yamagata does the same, but neither dares speak. Especially not in the way Shirabu did. Shirabu fumes briefly before pivoting on his heel and turning back in the direction of the dormitories. Ushijima looks to the other third years and wordlessly asks them to leave too. They are alone then. 

"It was the right time for me to leave," He blurts out, not knowing quite how to start this conversation off. Ushijima watches him with a level gaze, but makes no attempt to respond, so Moniwa continues. 

"It would've been harder, you see, to leave after Spring High, nearer to graduation. So I left after our loss to Karasuno. It …" He fidgets with the hem of his jacket sleeve. "It isn't my time to lead the club anymore; it's Futakuchi's time." 

He thinks of the way Futakuchi fought back tears when Moniwa told them he would be stepping down as captain. Futakuchi asked, demanded to know if it was because they were so troublesome to deal with, if it was his fault. Moniwa insisted it wasn't, and that was true. That is, they were troublesome. Very troublesome, but they weren't the cause of his retirement from volleyball. 

"I have other things to do before I graduate." He thinks of Kaede arguing with their mother about Tohoku. 

"Please," Moniwa begs, bowing his head low so not to see if Ushijima rejects him. "Understand this." 

"There is no need for me to stay." He thinks of Kamasaki crying, of Sasaya pressing the heels of his hands against his eyes as they mourned the loss at Interhigh. 

"If I stayed, Dateko would not grow. They need this change, they will benefit from it even if it hurts me to leave." 

He gnaws on his lower lip painfully, nervously. 

"I need this too." 

 

 

 

Following their victory at Interhigh, the team was allowed a few days of rest before training resumed for the National tournament. Ushijima watched his phone almost every day. His teachers didn't bother chiding him, knowing that he was a rule-follower and that it must've been something worthwhile for Ushijima to be so distracted. Best to let him be, they seemed to agree, and his classmates saw the same. Yamagata easily steered Tendou and Semi away from Ushijima's desk when they visited for lunch each day. Each day, Ushijima waited for Moniwa to text, to call. Anything.  

"I need this too." Moniwa says, head bowed low so Ushijima cannot see his undoubtedly pained expression. His chest feels tight, and he is unsure of what to say. He knows there is something more, knows something troubles his boyfriend terribly. He also knows if he pushes Moniwa too far, demands too much, Moniwa will break. 

He turns and walks towards the gymnasium, a wordless invitation for Moniwa to follow. When they reach the gymnasium, Ushijima leaves Moniwa at the doorway and goes to grab a volleyball from the storage room. He presses it against Moniwa's chest as he walks outside and doesn't miss the pained, longing expression that crosses his face. He sheds his white uniform jacket and folds it carefully, laying it over his duffel. As he rolls up his sleeves, he watches Moniwa twirl the ball in his hand, moving from right to left so naturally. Moniwa sets the ball by his feet and sheds his own Dateko jacket. 

Questions burn on the tip of his tongue, but he waits. 

Moniwa fidgets. 

"I used to play piano." He says as he sets an easy toss. Ushijima vaguely recalls a keyboard hidden away in Moniwa's closet last time he was there, a few books on musical theory and composition on his bookshelf. He nods but does not speak as he returns the toss with no strength behind his hit. 

"Before she decided to teach, my mother used to play for the Kanagawa Philharmonic."  

"That's how she met my father. He was stationed at Yokosuka and saw the Philharmonic play when he was on leave. They pass to each other a few times as Moniwa thinks of what else to say. His fingers twitch when he's not holding the ball, and it is as if something is missing for him. Is it volleyball, Ushijima wonders. Or piano? 

"She wanted my brother to play, but he had no ear for it." A hint of a smile crosses Moniwa's face as he speaks of this. He lightly spikes a toss that Ushijima sets to him. He had never met Hisashi, but the two siblings were eight years apart, and he had joined the Air Force before Moniwa and Ushijima even met.  

"Then, she tried with Kaede, but Kaede chose viola instead."  

Ushijima sees the way Moniwa starts to get distant. His gaze goes elsewhere, and Ushijima wants to pull him back, wants to bring him back to the present. He holds the volleyball and waits without moving. Gnawing at his lower lip, Moniwa seems to return, and he positions himself to return a toss. 

"She made me practice all the time. Or, well, it felt like all the time to a kid, yknow?" Moniwa chuckles a bit as he and Ushijima pass the ball back and forth easily. "I hated it. God, I _hated_ it for so long." 

"And then one day, I just ... didn't. One day, I sat in front of our piano, and I just thought about how much fun it was to play, how I loved the feel of the ivory keys and the rumble of the strings. I loved it."  

"I was good," He says. "Not the best, but I loved it all the same." He smiles so warmly, so plain and honest as he speaks. Slowly, Ushijima starts to understand even though Moniwa has surely only just started to scratch the surface of his story. He thinks of volleyball. The burst of joy at winning a match, the proud grin Tendou wore after a superb block, the steady and calm feeling of having Reon at his side, the electric energy of competing with Goshiki for spikes. The sport was everything to him. It was his reason to get up in the morning. 

He sees the quiet melancholy etched on Moniwa's face, how the weight of things bears down on his thin shoulders. Ushijima realizes he will never be able to fathom the sadness Moniwa feels. 

"You—" Setting the ball on the ground, Ushijima starts to speak but suddenly doubts the words to say. He knows only to be honest. "You asked me to understand, but I can't. I … Kaname, I cannot even begin to understand what you are feeling, going through." Moniwa's smile twitches oddly in that way when he is trying not to let his anxiety eat him alive. Ushijima closes the distance between them, and even though he is unsure of his words, he is sure of his love for the one standing here before him. He cups Moniwa's face with his hands. 

"But I am here. Always. And I will always listen, and I will always try to understand, to see through your eyes and try to help as best I can." Moniwa covers Ushijima's hands with his own and lets the fake, forced smile slip away. "I cannot do more, I can only try." His voice wavers, a wave of apologies washing over his words that Moniwa easily shakes away. 

"That is already more than most would do." Moniwa murmurs, turning just a hint to kiss Ushijima's left hand thankfully. Ushijima lifts his face to meet his, pressing a soft, chaste kiss to his lips. He feels Moniwa smile just a hint as he presses back more firmly against Ushijima's kiss. 

"Please … don't shut yourself off from me again." He asks as the kiss breaks and Ushijima opens his eyes to look at his boyfriend for a long moment. Moniwa leans to bump his forehead against Ushijima's, and a tender feeling fills them both. 

 

 

 

> > psst — can y'all keep it down?? (๑⁍᷄౪⁍᷅๑) 
> 
> > wakkun please (;ↀ⌓ↀ)  
> 
> > I WANT TO SLEEP (´；Д；｀) !!!  

 

"Hello? Tendou-kun?" Moniwa asks. 

"Why is he call—?" He puts a hand on Ushijima's chest, telling him to be quiet for a moment. 

"What's wrong?" Moniwa forces his voice to be as steady as possible when he hears Tendou make an awful noise on the other end. Worry swells up inside of him. "Are you okay?" 

"I am so tired, Kaname-chan. Literally exhausted. Unable to even move, so tired." Moniwa frowns, unable to remember Tendou having sleeping issues before this. 

"Why can't you get to sleep? Are you nervous ab—" 

"Because you two. Are fucking. So loud." Moniwa flushes a dark shade of red as Tendou goes on to repeat most of what Moniwa and Ushijima had been saying to each other for the past hour. He had thought they were speaking at fairly level tones, even low tones. Apparently not. He puts the phone against his chest briefly to look up at Ushijima. 

"Tendou-kun, uh. He … uh." 

"He what?" Ushijima, for all his good qualities — bless him, Moniwa thinks — did not understand subtlety very well, and dealt with everything in the most straightforward way. "Let me talk to him." 

Moniwa puts the phone to his boyfriend's ear and lets his hand rest idly on his shoulder as they talk, feeling the firm lines of muscles under Ushijima's skin 

"Oh. Really? I didn't know you could hear that." 

Moniwa glances up at the wall behind him, wondering how thin it was. He vaguely wonders if this is why Reon switched rooms a few months ago. He said he liked the feng shui of Tendou's room better. 

"No, we've only been making love for fifteen minutes or so."  

He frowns at Ushijima, but only a little bit. He knows it embarrasses Moniwa when he says that phrase to others, or when they talk about their sex life to others at all, really. Ushijima catches his frown and, perhaps misinterpreting Moniwa's frown as a disappointment due to lack of attention, begins to lazily thrust inside of him once again. Moniwa covers his mouth before the moan escapes him. 

"What was the noise before that?" Ushijima hums once, recalling all he did.  

"About twenty five minutes of typical foreplay, then for maybe twenty minutes, I ate him ou—" 

"—toshi, oh my god! Do not tell Tendou about that!" Moniwa half-screeches, then in a quieter hiss, "Also why were you keeping track of the time?" Ushijima shrugs. 

They hear Tendou sobbing with laughter in the next room. 

 

"I love you, Wakatoshi. You know that, right?" Moniwa says as he lets go of Ushijima's hand as the train pulls into the station. Ushijima smiles that blinding, beautiful smile. 

"I know. I love you too, Kaname." He kisses Moniwa once more before fixing his slightly crooked tie. "Text me when you get home." 

Moniwa leans up to peck him on the lips once more. 

"I will." 

 

> > Just got home! 
> 
> < Glad to hear 
> 
> > Kaede made lunch, it was sooo good. 
> 
> > [image] 
> 
> < I should've gone home with you... 
> 
> > Haha, you should've.  
> 
> > Miss you already. 
> 
> < What would you like to do for our anniversary? 

 

"What's your dear Wakatoshi-kun up to?" Kaede coos with a knowing smirk. There was nothing more knowing than the fact that Moniwa texted saying he wouldn't be home, and then returned the next day in the same clothes with a brilliant smile. There was nothing more telling at all. Moniwa tucks his phone away shyly. 

"They're preparing for Nationals starting tomorrow." 

"On a Sunday?" Hiro interjects in surprise. He mumbles in awe with a mouth full of stew, "Wow … Shiratorizawa is super intense." 

"They are, but they're also always a national contender." Pride bubbles up inside his chest saying this, only to be dampened by a nagging guilt. He didn't tell any of the Shiratorizawa boys, even his own boyfriend, congratulations for making it to nationals. He makes a mental note to tell all of them — even Shirabu, especially him — congrats when he sees them next.  

"What're you doing this weekend? Studying?" Hiro asks as he takes another bite of food. Moniwa taps his fingers on the table a few times. He feels a smile bloom.  

"I was going to work on a composition, actually."  

"For … English class?"  

"For piano."  

 

Papers are scattered all across the floor, crumpled and scribbled on and torn in half. Moniwa gnaws on the end of his pencil, barely tasting the rubber for how focused he is. He replays the recording over his headphones and hums along until he hears the particular phrase he was looking for. The answer eludes him, but something about it drives him insane. He tries shifting a note up, he tries shifting the note down, he tries shortening it, tries doubling it, tries leaving it out altogether. Irritated, he starts to take off his headphones but then something stops him.  

He looks at his phone and remembers the wash of emotions Ushijima's words caused.   

After a pause, he puts his headphones back on securely and continues on with his work. 

"— … — …?" Moniwa snaps out of his daze, hearing something to his right. He tugs his headphones off and looks over at his mother.  

"When did you get home?" He asks, embarrassed not to noticed her arrival let alone to have greeted her as usual.   

"About an hour ago."  

"Oh." Moniwa looks away for a moment and his watch reads 7:15 PM. He nervously glides his fingertips over the key for middle C. She smiles warmly at him, and her eyes crinkle in delight.  

"We were going to go out for dinner, but would you prefer to get takeaway?"  

"Takeaway sounds good. I'm … in the middle of something." He motions vaguely to the keyboard before him. His mother had always been the one encouraging him to pursue piano, she had always been the one pushing him to achieve more. Moniwa cannot forget her disappointment when he decided not to continue. She nods at his response and closes the door behind her. 

 

"Ooh, Moniwa-kun, are you planning on skipping math class?" He awakes with a start and nearly smacks Kamasaki who leans over him, teasing his nose with a leaf of grass. He hears the bell ringing in the distance marking the end of lunch. Glancing about, he catches sight of his lunchbox already repacked and tucked away, no doubt courtesy of Sasaya.  

"Sorry, I was just … I was listening to this song, that's all." He thankfully takes the offered hand and is helped up. Dusting the bits of grass off himself, Sasaya asks what song he was listening to. 

"It's nothing—" He tries to wave it off, but Sasaya takes his unused earbud and begins to listen to the song that he had on repeat. It is a rough and crude version, the barely-finished product that Moniwa had been working on for the past week. Every minute not spent studying for exams was spent composing. He tries to take his earbud back, but then Kamasaki plucks his other bud out from his ear. 

"Huh." Sasaya says shortly, but then, "This is really pretty." 

"It's really nothing …" A heat flares to his cheeks as Kamasaki continues Sasaya's compliment, but then something sticks out, 

"It's kinda sad." Kamasaki says, more softly than usual. Moniwa stutters a question, but Kamasaki only shrugs. "I dunno … it just feels lonely. Like … like the person playing is missing something." 

"Or someone." Sasaya adds in an equally gentle tone. After a moment, Moniwa knows the song has finished, because they both dutifully return his headphones. "What's it called?" 

"It's not called anything, I haven't … I mean … it's a work in progress." 

"You wrote that?" They both look at him in surprise. He once or twice might have mentioned playing piano when he was younger, but he doubts they knew he could compose. Or, is trying to compose. 

"I thought you didn't play anymore." Kamasaki asks. 

"I didn't, don't. I don't." He stutters, "I just, it was something I thought of, and I couldn't stop thinking about it, and I … yeah." Moniwa turns towards the school building and tries to stuff his headphones in his pocket without looking back at the two now hurrying to catch up. Kamasaki slings his arm around Moniwa's shoulders and jostles him a bit. 

"It's nice! Good, I mean!" 

"You should keep working on it, I'd love to hear it in person." Sasaya smiles coolly at Moniwa even when he ducks his head in embarrassment. He expected teasing, he expected something unkind. He isn't sure why, considering these two were his best friends, he just never expected anyone to like his work. Not anymore. Kamasaki squeezes him once more in his own reassuring way, and despite himself, Moniwa smiles, small and truly flattered. 

 

 

 

> > I have something to tell you  
> 
> < Me too. 

 

Reon reminds Ushijima in a very mild and moderately mothering tone to warm down properly and not rush. 

"We know you have your date with Kaname-kun tonight, but you can't afford to get injured. Even if Nationals is done, you've got Worlds to think about." Tendou repeats a phrase or two of this, mostly the part about Moniwa, and hops over to where Ushijima is — was — hurrying through stretches. He manages not to grumble as Tendou helps him through the exercise, all the while asking him about his plans for the night. 

"Are you two gonna go somewhere romantic or simple? Expensive or cheap? I saw you googling love hotels nearby—" 

"Satori, please." Ushijima mumbles, trying to ignore all the questions best he can. He hadn't seen Moniwa in nearly three weeks. Nationals ate up so much of his time and attention, and Moniwa had seemed busy with his own studies as well. Phone calls were long like usual, but often filled with periods of silence where Ushijima could hear Moniwa thinking too loud, too much. His boyfriend was an overthinker, and Ushijima fears he will always be an overthinker. As they laid together in bed last time they met, Ushijima had asked him about their future together. Moniwa had a difficult time answering. 

Tendou's face suddenly appears before his eyes, and Ushijima calmly blinks at him. 

"Yes?" 

"I asked what time y'all were meeting?"  Ushijima glances at the clock up on the wall and frowns. He's already twenty minutes late. He knows Moniwa is aware of how practice can sometimes go late, especially in the heat of things. He asks Tendou to finish the exercises with him, so he can leave sooner rather than later.

 

Moniwa once admitted that he felt awkward being around Shirabu. Semi, he explained, was fine, but something about Shirabu always unnerved him. Maybe it's how good he is at being a setter, Moniwa had laughed. Either way, Moniwa texted Ushijima saying he would be waiting in the school building and not near the clubroom. Normally, his anxiety isn't so bad that he physically avoided people, but Ushijima figures maybe the stress of retiring from the team has him avoiding most volleyball-related things. He wanders around the school for a bit, unable to get Moniwa to reply to his calls. 

A haunting sound comes from a distant hallway. Ushijima follows the sound as if compelled. He knows without knowing that it is Moniwa playing. 

He sees a gaggle of people huddled around the practice rooms in the music wing. The music club president, a shy but well meaning girl in he and Yamagata's class, stands with them. He approaches her and softly taps her on the shoulder, asking what is going on. She flushes beneath her blue-rimmed glasses.  

"There's this boy here, a pianist, and we're all listening to him play. He's not just any pianist, he's sort of _the_ pianist of our age."  

"Oh?" Ushijima asks, glancing at everyone's enraptured expressions. One boy looks close to tears.  

"Mm. Kaname-san, he's well known among the top piano players in Japan. That is, for teenagers. His mother was a brilliant pianist too, but he's levels above all of us."   

"I see." He says quietly as he thinks of Moniwa setting the volleyball to him weeks ago. I used to play, he said with such a wistful smile.  

"Nobody knew what happened to him after he quit Toho Gakuen, this prestigious conservatory in Tokyo."  

Ushijima feels his heart drop in his chest.  

"When was that?"  

"Uh … probably a few weeks into our first year? Some people say he had a nervous breakdown and snapped …"  

The club president crosses her arms over her chest and stares off in the direction of the practice room where music pours from within. Her voice changes into something softer,  

"He showed up on the Internet last week." Ushijima looks at her strangely, and she taps her friend's arm. "Do you have that video? ... Here, look at this. It's from a local musical competition last Saturday." She hands Ushijima an earbud and pressed play. It isn't very long, only about four minutes, but the music swings from slow and reserved to heated and full of emotion.   

"It's a pretty famous piece," The president's friend chimes in, pushing his hair behind his ears and chattering nervously. "It's called " _Carnaval_ " by Robert Schumann. The two main movements he plays — _Eusebius_ and _Florestan_ — are a contrast of calm and chaos within Schumann's own soul."  

"Kaname-san is not the best pianist technically speaking, but he plays from the soul. That is what makes him so memorable." The boy smiles and glances back at the practice room where Moniwa was. Ushijima clenches his empty fists to fight the ill feeling in his gut.  

"I remember hearing him play at a concert when I was considering quitting music …" The president hums at the memory. "I thought about how I wanted to play so beautifully, so full of feeling and honesty, and I knew I had to keep with music until I could play like that."  

There is a lull in the music. It softens, then fades out altogether.  

The music club president turns her head curiously.  

"Why were you asking, Ushijima-san?" He blinks once at her and then stares off at the now silent practice room.  

"Oh, that's my boyfriend, that's all."  

Moniwa pokes his head out when he hears the clamor of shouts. 

 

"It was beautiful. Your song." Ushijima says plainly as he closes the door to the practice room. Moniwa's face is as red as ever, and he hides behind the grand piano, sinking onto its bench with a mortified expression.  

"I can't believe so many people were listening." He mumbles, incredulous. Ushijima comes to sit beside him.  

"Why? I don't even know music well, but I know that was beautiful still." Moniwa turns his face away from Ushijima's gaze, but he captures his boyfriend's chin and turns him back. He sees that Moniwa will not respond, too flustered to speak. He asks Moniwa if he would like for them to leave now.  

"There's … still many people out there. I'd like to collect myself a bit, if that's alright."  

They sit together in silence for many minutes, Ushijima idly running his thumb over Moniwa's knuckles as they hold hands and wait for the hallway outside to fall silent. Moniwa's right hand fits comfortably in Ushijima's left, and eventually Moniwa leans to rest his head against Ushijima's shoulder. The clock makes moments into minutes, but Ushijima doesn't want to leave the peace of this room.  

Moniwa moves their hands to rest on the piano keys. He shifts so that his hand covers Ushijima's, and he easily presses down a single key.  

The sound rumbles deep within the piano.  

Moniwa presses down another finger, and another note plays. After a while, Ushijima realizes he's playing the same notes in a pattern, and he begins to remember through muscle memory where to place his fingers next.  

It is a child's tune. Simple, recognizable. Ushijima feels himself smiling when Moniwa takes his hand away, and Ushijima is able to play it without Moniwa's guiding hand. He bites back an even bigger smile, realizing that he must look a bit silly at that moment. An all-star volleyball player, playing a child's piano tune.  

"I don't think I was meant to play piano." He says softly, words filling only the small space between them. Moniwa chuckles a bit and lightly pushes Ushijima's hand away from the keys so he may play.  

He settles his hand on Moniwa's leg, fingers brushing his inner thigh. Moniwa moves just a fraction closer, and on instinct, Ushijima replaces his left hand with his right, and moves to circle Moniwa's waist with his left arm instead, pulling him close and tight. Moniwa shifts closer still as his hands begin to move across the ivory and ebony keys. They do not speak. Ushijima presses his nose against Moniwa's collar, inhaling the comforting and subtle scent of cologne on his skin. He squeezes Moniwa's thigh gently, feeling the music surge as he inhales a deep breath.  

"I was invited back to Toho Gakuen." Moniwa blurts out, hands stilling above the piano. Ushijima draws back to look at him. "It's this conservatory, a really good one, they weren't the only ones, others scouted me—" Overwhelmed with pride for him, Ushijima curls his left hand around the back of Moniwa's head and kisses him fiercely. Moniwa's hand flies to grip Ushijima's shirt, clutching at him and responding with just as much fire behind his kiss. He tilts Moniwa's head back a bit, baring his neck as Ushijima's nails rake gently along his scalp. Moniwa moans into the kiss, pressing closer and squeezing his thighs together a bit as Ushijima moves his hand instinctively closer.   

"—toshi …" He exhales as they break apart for just a moment, just a breath. An awful look overwhelms his dear boyfriend, a mixture of grief and relief all in one, and he buries his face against Ushijima's shoulder. Ushijima moves his hand from Moniwa's thigh to curl protectively around his waist, warmly whispering his name against the soft curls of his chestnut brown hair. He isn't the one being asked back to Toho Gakuen, but his heart hammers in his chest nevertheless.They sit here until their breathing slow and the fire slowly fades from their veins. Moniwa quietly asks, mumbling, what Ushijima's news was that he wanted to tell.  

Ushijima blanks.  

"Oh." He says when he remembers clearly. "I got scouted by Chuo."  

Moniwa's head shoots up.  

"Wh—?! Ch-Chuo?" He stumbles to find any words to say. Ushijima nods simply, and Moniwa, speechless, kisses him again. They are short, light kisses punctuated by excited, eager words.  

"My gosh — toshi — amazing — you're so — congrats — ohmygod —" Ushijima feels Moniwa's voice hitch, and he opens his eyes fully to see tears welling in his boyfriend's eyes.   

"Kaname …" 

"You're just … I can't believe it. You're so incredible, Wakatoshi. You are really absolutely incredible, and … you deserve Chuo, you deserve Youth Worlds and everything. You're so incredible, and I just want to congratulate you, because I know you wanted this, and I'm just so proud …" He covers his face with his hands as the tears overflow, and for a moment, Ushijima is too upset to console him at all. 

He got the scout's letter after Nationals. 

He hadn't told any of the team.  

Biting at his lower lip, he thinks about how he didn't believe anyone would congratulate him. Of course, they would say, of course he got scouted. He's Ushijima, of course he got scouted. But a part of him yearned for this, yearned for someone to say congrats, to say how proud they were of what he has done. 

"Thank you." He mutters almost inaudibly. Moniwa sobs a laugh and kisses him, tears falling onto Ushijima's warm skin as they hold each other tight. 

 

 

 

"Happy anniversary." Moniwa's jaw drops as they enter the beautiful hotel room together. At first, he had sputtered at the idea of going to a love hotel, complaining shyly that they should just spend the night together at one of their homes. But Ushijima insisted, explaining with sweaty hands that they always had to be quiet at home. Here, he said, we can be ourselves.  

And by that, Moniwa knew he meant they could be loud.  

Running his fingertips along the sliding screens, Moniwa touches the authentic looking bamboo panels and bites at his lip in embarrassment.   

"This is too much, Wakatoshi …" He murmurs, but Ushijima just shakes his head.  

"It's our anniversary. I want it to be special." As Ushijima stands still in the entryway, Moniwa takes it upon himself to circle the decently-sized room. He peers into the bathroom area curiously and exclaims there's a wood tub. Ushijima barely hides his smile, and Moniwa knows he must have specifically chosen this room for such amenities. "I wanted to take you home, but mother and Yukari are there tonight, so we wouldn't have been alone."  

The hotel room mimics the traditional aesthetic of the Ushijima house, mimics its elegance within the confines of close, windowless walls. Returning to Ushijima, he kisses him slowly and knows they will enjoy every moment this night has to offer them.  

He cannot count the times Ushijima pants his name, cannot count the times they whisper I love you and all its variants. I need you, you're my one, I cannot live without you. Ushijima surges up to hold him tightly when Moniwa smiles and speaks of how proud he is of Ushijima. Moniwa's thighs tighten around his waist, and his arms encircle Ushijima's broad shoulders.  

"It's true," He brings Ushijima's face up to look at his striking, umber eyes. His chest feels like bursting, "You are incredible, and I am proud of what you've done."  

"Says you." Ushijima responds; his voice is so faint, as if speaking any louder will awaken them from the dreamland they've built for themselves in this quiet hotel room. Ushijima's fingertips drag along his spine, hand settling on his lower back as he guides Moniwa's hips against him once more.  

"I'm not …" He moans weakly.  

It had been a long time since he felt any semblance of pride about himself. His team, his boyfriend, his siblings. He felt constant pride for them. But himself?   

He thinks of the train ride home for Toho Gakuen, how his eyes burned from hours of tears. How his mother was silent and disappointed beside him.  

"You are." Ushijima breathes against his chest. Moniwa doesn't fight as Ushijima lays him back on the soft sheets covering their rented futon. Shivers ripple through him when Ushijima presses fluttering, ghosts of kisses across his entire chest. He leaves no marks on his shoulders despite the gentle scrape of teeth there, and Moniwa feels his blood boil and his body yearn for more.  

How many times has Ushijima touched him like this? How, Moniwa wonders, will I ever grow used to such love? 

He crumples the sheets beneath his hands as Ushijima begins to thrust inside of him again. Ushijima leans to cover his body with his own, covering his hands too and kissing him with all the love his heart bears. He squirms to rock up and meet Ushijima's thrusts, but Ushijima whispers something otherwise. 

"Let me." 

 

He hears the faint melody playing distantly in the back of his mind as his head lolls against his boyfriend's shoulder. He is barely aware of the other in his exhaustion save for the idle movement of his thumb moving over the inside of Moniwa's wrist. The steam surrounds them both and smothers the anxious feelings that had built up inside of his bones over the past months. He smiles airily and is completely at ease.  

 

"I want to accept Chuo's offer." The words rumble deep in Ushijima's chest, and Moniwa blearily opens his eyes. 

"Yeah?"  

Ushijima pauses, shifting a hint behind Moniwa and making little waves splash against the sides of the tub. 

"Yeah. … They're going to watch us compete at Worlds." 

Moniwa feels the barest increase in pressure on his wrist and knows Ushijima speaks his nerves now. He pulls his hand away, flipping it over so he can lace his fingers with Ushijima's own. 

"What about Toho Gakuen?" 

"I don't know …" Moniwa murmurs as his lips ghost over Ushijima's knuckles. "I think I should apply for Tohoku as intended …" 

"Why? Don't you want to play now?" The smallest irritated sigh escapes him, but Ushijima notices. "I thought …" 

"I don't know, Wakatoshi. I really just … I don't know." He starts to curl in on himself, feeling small in his unknowing and insecurity. Ushijima pulls him back, pulls him flush against him and presses his hand just above Moniwa's heart. 

"I feel it. Here, in you, I know you feel it too." His words tickle behind Moniwa's ear. "It's the same feeling I have when I'm on the court. You have that when you sit before a piano." 

He remembers the way the concert hall clamored with noise after he would finish a piece. He remembers looking out onto a see of faces and seeing them all affected by his music, by his love poured out into piano keys and composition paper. He knows the awe and amazing feeling that washes over anyone who stands before a roaring crowd and is the first one to serve. He knows. 

Ushijima smirks against his neck. 

"Your heart's pounding." 

Moniwa stutters to respond,  

"It always does that when I'm with you." 

A ghost of a laugh leaves his boyfriend's lips, yet he sees through Moniwa's pitiful distraction. 

 "Play, Kaname. If it is what your heart wants, play." 

  

 

 

> > If music be the food of love, play on  
> 
> Give me excess of it; that surfeiting, 
> 
> The appetite may sicken, and so die. 
> 
> < Should you be texting in class? 

 

"Imagine if you were good at something—" 

Tendou chokes on the handful of popcorn he had half-shoveled into his mouth. 

"Wow, okay. Am I not good at anything?" Ushijima looks at him plainly, and says no; 

"You make me laugh, you block really well, you know a lot about lizards, you can eat a whole pint of ice cream without getting brain freeze—" 

"Okay, okay, okay, I get it." Tendou picks up Ushijima's legs with his free arm and sits himself on the other half of the couch, settling comfortably under the weight of their captain's legs and using his knees to hold the popcorn bowl. Inouka raises his head and sniffs at the bowl, but Ushijima tells him no firmly.  

"Imagine if you were good at something and loved it," He purses his lips for a moment in thought. "And you had a chance to keep doing this something, but you choose not to. … Why?" He hears Tendou chew for a few moments, and then he chews some more. 

"I dunno."  

"What do you mean?" Propping himself up on his elbows, he stares hard at Tendou. But maybe he glares on accident, for Tendou gets a nervous look and starts to smile anxiously.  

"I dunno? I wouldn't _not_ do something I loved if I had the chance to, yknow?"  

"That's not the answer I wanted." Ushijima murmurs, laying back down and beginning to scratch at Inouka's head in frustration. The dog's eyes close pleasantly and his mouth opens with a lazy grin.  

"I don't think Tendou-san is the sort of person you should ask such a question." Ushijima had not quite registered Kawanishi's presence until he spoke, even and calm as always. He taps quietly at his phone and doesn't look up.  

"Have you gotten the event SR yet—?" Tendou suddenly asks, but Ushijima interrupts.  

"Who should I ask?"  

"It should be Moniwa-san, shouldn't it?" Inouka's ears perk slightly at mention of Moniwa. Ushijima insists this isn't about him, but Reon dismisses this.  

"Word travels fast about our ace and captain dating a former piano prodigy." Ushijima watches the DVD home screen flash on the screen and cannot ignore the bothersome thought in the back of his head.  

"He is a piano prodigy. Not was. Is." Inouka kneads Ushijima's chest faintly, a smile splashed across his canine features. Ushijima glares at him softly and holds his paws. Reon looks over at them and motions for Tendou to pass the popcorn.  

"You said he chose not to continue? It's why he went to Dateko, right?"  

"No, no. I mean. Yes, but no. He's been offered a scholarship to a music school, but he doesn't want to go."  

"How do you know?" To this, Ushijima shrugs.  

"He said he thinks he should apply to Tohoku still."  

"That sounds like he's convincing himself." Shirabu interjects suddenly as he wiggles his way under Kawanishi's arm to get comfortable. "He wants to do music, he just thinks he'll fail again, so he's scared." On any other day, Ushijima might feel annoyed at Shirabu's bold words against Moniwa, but they ring true. The former setter always got such an unpleasant look on his face. Not one of anger of disgust, but worry. Fear.  

"You should talk to him about it." Reon says helpfully as the dog nuzzles gently against Ushijima's chest and bumps his wet nose against Ushijima's chin. He quietly asks Reon to start the movie. 

 

June heat bleeds into a hell of July. He starts off on his morning runs earlier and earlier to escape the sun's vicious gaze. He thinks of Chuo. He thinks of the distance between Chuo and home, between Chuo and Toho Gakuen. His lungs burn. He thinks of the distance between Moniwa and he. 

Inouka circles his feet as he slows to a stop, chest heaving and sweat dripping down his face. Inouka knows there is still more distance to run, but a heaviness has settled over Ushijima. It was twice now that Moniwa refused to talk about the future. Their future.   

He wipes at his face with the back of his hand. He wipes again, then again. His eyes burn as he realizes what Moniwa might do. 

 

"Ah! Wakatoshi-kun—" Kaede sees him approach in the driveway. Her keys are in the car door, and he can tell she's heading off to work for the day. She smiles. "Would you like me to go get Kaname, or would you like to go instead?" 

"If you don't mind, I would like to. I don't want to make you late for work either." She accepts this explanation and gestures for him to follow her as she goes to unlock the front door for him. Her deep chestnut hair is the same shade as Moniwa's own, a family trait inherited from their mother's side. She has the same sharp eyes. Eyes that young Hiromi lacks for his eyes are still too full of stars and ideas and dreams. Kaede and Kaname have quieter, sharp eyes. 

He thanks her twice over, and she bids him and Inouka goodbye, giving the pup a good pat on the head. 

Until they reach Moniwa's room, where Inouka recognizes the other's scent, he stays close to Ushijima's side, padding up the stairs one by one alongside him. As Ushijima slowly opens Moniwa's door however, Inouka bounds forward and jumps onto the bed excitedly. 

"Wha—?" Moniwa fumbles with his sheets, tossing the covers off in surprise and accidentally covering Inouka in the chaos of it all. Inouka yaps happily, thinking it's a game, and circles around himself a few times, only twisting the sheets further. 

"Inouka?" Moniwa mumbles sleepily, hair mussed up in twenty different ways and pillow lines dashed across his right cheek. He looks over at Ushijima and mumbles a very confused hello. 

Ushijima comes to untangle Inouka and then sit on Moniwa's bed, holding the dog in place as he lick happily at Moniwa's outstretched hand.

"Kaname, I love you." 

Moniwa blinks at him, eyes still weak in the dim light. 

"Uh, … okay." He says. "I love you too. ... How'd you get into my house?" 

"Your sister. Are you planning on breaking up with me?" 

"What? No. … What?" 

"Do you love music?" 

"Yeah, wait. 'Toshi, what're you on about?" 

"Do you want to play piano?" 

"Maybe, I … I told you. I don't know …" 

"Will you move in with me?" 

"… What." 

"When I go to Chuo, and you to Toho Gakuen, I would like us to move in together." 

 

Moniwa spends a few minutes grumbling as he and Ushijima settle under the sheets together. Ushijima easily fits his knees behind Moniwa's and circles his thin waist with one arm. Among his complaints are how Ushijima woke him at dawn during summer vacation, broke into his house, brought the dog with him as co-conspirator, and so on and so forth. Inouka easily settles in as Moniwa's little spoon, while Moniwa is Ushijima's. 

"You kept avoiding talking about the future, I thought …" Ushijima mumbles a bit embarrassedly. He feels Moniwa shake his head and sigh. 

"I just don't know what to do." 

 

 

 

> > nii-san, when are you and inouka coming home? 
> 
> > hello? 
> 
> > are you dead???  

 

"Onii-chan?" Moniwa had managed to fall back asleep for another hour squeezed in between the two space heaters named Inouka and Ushijima respectively, but the sound of his brother knocking wakes him. "Is Wakatoshi-kun here? Yuka-chan is asking."  

Moniwa feels Ushijima say something against his back, between his shoulder blades, but he doesn't hear. 

"Yes, we're sleeping though." He hears a quiet giggle behind the door. 

"Uh-huh, okay. Go back to "sleep" then." Footsteps signal Hiromi's departure back downstairs, and Ushijima raises his head to complain about Hiromi's address of his sister. 

"She's thinking about applying to Dateko and testing in." 

"Why? She could easily get into Shirat— … no." Moniwa draws in a horrified gasp of air. 

"Mhm." Ushijima presses himself back on Moniwa, an idle hand wandering under Moniwa's shirt. Despite feeling the hardness against his backside, Moniwa is too taken aback to act. His brother. Ushijima's sister. No. 

"They can't." 

"They might." He spends the next five minutes arguing weakly with Ushijima about how they can't have sex after just discussing their siblings' possible relationship. Ushijima wins by a marginal amount, and only because Moniwa notices how hot he looks in the daylight that breaks through his curtains. 

"Inouka, don't watch." 

 

 

 

He plays for Sasaya one day. Flustered and stuttering while Sasaya lays calmly on his bed, Moniwa explains that this still is not the finished piece. Sasaya shrugs easily, folding his arms behind his head and closing his eyes. He knows if he watches Moniwa, it will only make the former captain more nervous. 

He plays for Kamasaki next. Kamasaki is impatient and doesn't like classical music, but he listens to the entire piece and claps terribly loud at the end. The sound echoes off the walls of his small bedroom, but it makes a proud feeling swell in his chest all the same. 

He plays for Mai then. Despite her being a second year, they were oddly close. He feels least anxious when he sits before the piano with her listening now. He inhales deeply, then begins. She watches the entire time, and smiles so sweetly when it's done. He looks over at her to see that her eyes are wet, and she immediately flushes a deep pink and apologizes as she covers her face in shame. 

"It's beautiful," She weeps, and Moniwa stumbles to go sit next to her and offer a comforting embrace. "I don't know why I'm crying, it was just so ... so much." 

"S-so much what?" He asks nervously, afraid to ask for feedback but curious as to what moved her so deeply. 

"So much everything. Joy and grief and love and anger. Like every emotion somebody could ever feel, all pouring out at once in one song, I — it was beautiful."  

 

He does not play for Ushijima. Not yet. He wants the piece to be perfect, or as close to perfect. He wants every word left unsaid to be sung through the air when he plays for Ushijima this song. Written for, inspired by. Moniwa plays silent melodies on Ushijima's skin as they make love one night. His fingertips dance across Ushijima's shoulders, a little smile playing across his lips. The ace complains that Moniwa is a tease. Moniwa laughs and asks how he can be a tease with Ushijima fully seated inside of him. 

"I want to hear you play." He says in a kiss. 

"You've heard me play plenty." 

"Not your song. Not the one you're writing." His hand grips Moniwa's thigh, hitching it higher over his hips so he can thrust into Moniwa better. Moniwa groans pitifully, 

"I told you why — I — it has to be perfect — I want perfection for you —" His pants are drowned out by the sound of their bodies moving together, the sensation of teeth along his neck and fingertips digging into his backside. He can feel they're close. It was supposed to be an easy round, but he begs Ushijima to go quicker. Be rougher, he utters in a low tone, and Ushijima does not protest. He presses Moniwa flat on his back, folding his legs and pressing Moniwa's knees to his chest. Moniwa takes the hint and holds himself for Ushijima, holds himself so they may find completion sooner and sooner still.  

"Kaname …" Ushijima draws, breath wavering as his thrusts become shorter and more off-tempo. Moniwa pants his name, begs him. More. He hears a distant melody, feels the ivory beneath his fingers, bursts with love for the one above him. 

"I —" 

 

The quiet countryside whispers all around them as they lay down to sleep; the Ushijima house was dark, but Moniwa's mind wouldn't stop running. He shifts the covers a bit so he can straddle his boyfriend's waist. Naturally, so naturally, Ushijima's hands move to settle on his thighs, feeling the soft silk of the borrowed yukata.  

"I want it." Moniwa says softly. He thinks only the night hears him, stealing his wishes away into the darkness. 

"More?" Ushijima chuckles. 

"No. I mean, maybe. But no." Moniwa takes hold of Ushijima's left hand with his own right. He twines their pinkies together, and says, "I want everything with you, with no one else." 

He sees Ushijima's eyes widen in realization, and his heart begins to race. They had spoke of these heavy things once, many weeks or months ago, and Ushijima surely remembered how Moniwa cast his gaze away at the floor, avoiding the topic of souls and fate and such. 

"It means something … for us to be here, together." He squeezes Ushijima's pinky gently, and for a moment, he can swears he can feel the string tied tight between them. Red and eternal. 

"You are my one and only, Wakatoshi." 

If not for the darkness of night, Moniwa might think that Ushijima was crying. His voice is weak, but full of joy. 

"You are my one and only, Kaname. Always." Moniwa kisses him with all the love he has ever bore. 

"Always." 

 

 

 

> > Toho Gakuen has auditions on August 25th 
> 
> > I'm going to play my piece there 

 

Ushijima runs his thumb over the engraved words on the front of his passport. He catches himself grinning. 

 

 

 

His phone buzzes as he is practicing. Ushijima explains that the Shiratorizawa boys had just told him about their plans for his birthday. Moniwa glances at the calendar on his wall. How convenient to have his boyfriend's birthday just before said boy has to go across the world for ten days. 

"I know we had plans to be together before Argentina …" When he hears his boyfriend drift off, Moniwa knows he is thinking of a way to tell Moniwa he wants to cancel. Moniwa beats him to the punch and insists that he be with the team. It was still summer vacation, and they would have a few days after Ushijima returned from Worlds to be together before the next semester began. Ushijima begins to apologize, but Moniwa makes him promise a rain check. 

"You can tell me all about Argentina when you get back." 

"You'll be too busy celebrating getting into Toho." Moniwa chuckles anxiously as he leans back from his keyboard. He can only hope for such a result. His piece was good. Really good, he dares to think. 

 

 

 

"I love you, you know." Ushijima's face is flushed pink in surprise at seeing Moniwa at the train station. The team's flight from Tokyo is later in the day, and Moniwa barely manages to catch Ushijima at the station before he leaves. 

"Happy early birthday!" He wishes he could kiss this smile for days, but the conductor calls for the last people to board. Ushijima hugs him tight, almost too tight. Moniwa utters a fond, 

"I love you too." 

 

His hands feel cold and clammy.  

He inhales a slow breath and remembers how steady Ushijima's hands feel over his. 

"Moniwa-senpai—!" A blur of white and brown come rushing this way, then black and a dirty blond. Others follow, and Moniwa almost cries. 

"Wh-what — you — here —?" Overwhelmed, Moniwa hugs each of the Dateko members and stays with one comfortable arm around Sasaya as he asks them why they are here in Tokyo of all places. 

"For you!" Futakuchi says boldly, embarrassingly. They all look so handsome in their suits, even if Moniwa instinctively must lean over and straighten Koganegawa's tie. He smiles shyly and thanks them all profusely. 

"This means so much …" He starts, but then hears a strangled, recognizable cry. To his left, he sees more faces he knows. 

"Wakkun didn't tell us y'all would be here too!" Tendou whines loudly. "You're stealing our thunder." 

"We're his teammates, shouldn't it be you guys stealing our thunder?" Futakuchi's lips curl into a shitty grin as Tendou comes to pull Moniwa into a bone-crushing hug. Reon insists Tendou lighten up. 

"He still needs to play." They laugh. 

Moniwa realizes they're all here for him. Him. 

Him. 

He slurs a swear in nervousness. 

"Ushijima-senpai should be here soon too." Shirabu says from off to the side, flashing Moniwa a rare but still small smile. Moniwa glances at his watch and sees less than half an hour until his audition time. He feels his nerves on fire, feels a whole colony of butterfly erupting in his gut. 

He shakes his hands to try shaking away the anxiousness in his bones and waves the group to follow him down to the waiting area. The hallway backstage is quiet, full of murmurs but no one is bold enough to shout. The facilitator listens to the radio softly from his seat. Tendou squirms to sit still. It makes Moniwa smile. Sasaya assures Moniwa that they'll go find seats in the audience before his performance. 

"We won't lurk backstage like creeps, okay." 

Every moment that passes, Moniwa must remind himself to breathe. He remembers the phone call from yesterday, before Ushijima boarded his plane. Chuo had made his placement on their team official. He could hear Ushijima's voice shake in giddy glee. I'm so proud of you, Moniwa had almost yelled.  

"I'm proud of you too." Ushijima responded. Earnest, eager. Full of love. "I can't wait to hear you play tomorrow." 

 

"Hello?" Moniwa hears a horrible noise of a mother's cry over the call. 

 

The radio crackles in the distance. 

 

"This just in —" 

"— flight JAL 61 from Los Angeles to Tokyo —"

"— lost in the Pacific —" 

"— no survivors —"

 

Moniwa stares at the radio. The hallway is silent, not a single person dares to breathe. 

"Kaname-kun, I'm so sorry —" Ushijima's mother cries, voice breaking as she says her son's name. "Wakatoshi, he —" 

 

"Moniwa Kaname?" A man steps out the backstage door, holding a clipboard in hand. Moniwa feels numb. Someone is unable to breathe behind him. He hears someone else sob. His phone clatters to the floor. 

 

The audience is too quiet. 

Moniwa smooths out his slacks as he sits on the hard bench. 

He looks out.

 

Ushijima should be here. 

 

He forgets to open his sheet music, but he doesn't need to. He knows this piece by heart. He made it, he crafted it note by note, chord by chord and phrase by phrase. This is his song. His song. Moniwa's hands glide along the keys, pressing one, two, two, one, three, two, four, two. His body knows the music, his hands move without thinking. He does not think at all. 

"I used to play piano." He had said. He felt a laugh burst forth from within. His hands fly across ivory and ebony. 

"I hated it. God, I hated it for so long." His blood burns. 

He slams on the keys too hard. The piano clangs. 

And then, quieter. 

"One day, I just ... didn't." 

Softly. As if he remembers what happiness ever felt like anymore. His fingers lie for him. 

"I loved it." 

Everything shifts to minor. He sobbed on the train ride home. He distracted himself with volleyball and books and things to fill the void that depression left in him. 

"This is really pretty." Sasaya said. 

One person made him happy. 

"It's kinda sad." Kamasaki muttered. "Like the person is missing something." 

Ushijima made him happy. 

"Or someone." 

The keys become fuzzy. Moniwa realizes its his tears. 

"Play, Kaname." 

He remembers the brush of his lips against the back of his ear. The weight of his arms on his waist. The feeling of his lips pressed to his own. 

"If it is what your heart wants, play." 

Ushijima made him more than happy. He made him play.

"I love you." 

He feels a sharp pain in his pinky finger. 

"I can't wait to hear you play." 

Moniwa's hands refuse to move anymore. He just. Can't. 

The ghost of a grip grabs onto his lungs and squeezes tight, stealing all his oxygen all at once. A flood of sickness comes crashing through him as he watches his hands shake. He drops his head to his hands, grabs onto his hair. 

The fading sounds of music and the wretchedness of his screams echoes in the auditorium, The audience is too quiet. The radio crackles somewhere in the hallway. 

 

Ushijima is not here, Moniwa gasps between sobs and heaves and screams. He never will be.

 

 

 


End file.
